You’re Not a Bad Owner. You Just Haven’t Been Shown How to Listen Yet

Why guilt has no place in dog training — and what truly changes everything.

If I could sit down with every overwhelmed, frustrated, heart-heavy dog owner, I would begin with this:

You’re not a bad owner.
You just haven’t been shown how to listen yet.

I have worked with thousands of people over the years, and do you know what I see far more than “bad handling” or “poor training”?
I see love.
I see effort.
I see people trying their very best with what they know at the time.

But I also see something else — something quiet, painful, and far too common:
guilt.

Guilt for shouting.
Guilt for feeling embarrassed.
Guilt because your dog won’t walk nicely on a lead.
Guilt because they bark at visitors or shy away from strangers. Guilt because it must be I didn’t give enough time, or a long enough walk, Guilt because you’ve “tried everything” and still feel stuck.

And when you’re carrying that guilt, it’s hard to see what’s really going on. It is even harder to respond in a “dog” appropriate way.

🐾 Dogs don’t need perfect owners. They need attuned ones.

No one teaches us how to understand a dog’s emotional world.
We’re taught commands, equipment, routines… but not listening.

Not how to read a tightening jaw.
Not how to notice the moment the eyes flick away.
Not how to recognise when a dog is overwhelmed, not stubborn. Not the best timing for a reward or praise or what to praise for.

And perhaps the biggest gap of all:
how our own reactions can reinforce a behaviour — or quietly intensify it. Instead of decrease…….

Dogs learn from the world around them, and you are their world.
A touch at the wrong moment…
A verbal response given too quickly…
Nervous body language…
A rush of attention when we feel embarrassed…

All these things can unintentionally strengthen the very behaviour we’re hoping to change.

Listening isn’t only about watching the dog —
it’s also noticing what we are communicating, non-verbally, all the time.

Our posture.
Our breathing.
Our behaviour in reply to them.
The way we move towards or away.
The split-second choices we make without even realising.

To a dog, these are not small things.
They are messages.
Clear ones.

Once you learn to listen in this way — to them and to yourself — everything shifts.

Your dog softens.
You soften.
The frustration melts, and something gentler takes its place:

connection.

🌿 Behaviour isn’t the problem — it’s the message.

A dog that jumps, barks, pulls, lunges, hides or snaps isn’t misbehaving…
They’re communicating.

They’re saying:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I’m unsure.”
“I don’t understand what you want.”
“I’m excited and don’t know what to do with it.”
“I need more space.”
“I need you to slow down.” “I’m just as confused as you”!

And our response — calm, stressed, confused, confident — becomes part of the conversation.

When owners finally hear that message, and notice their own part in the dance, guilt turns into something powerful:

understanding.

And with understanding comes the first real step toward change.

❤️ **You’re doing the best you can with what you know.

And now you get to know more.**

This isn’t about blame; it’s about growth.
Every owner I’ve met has had a moment where they realise:

“It wasn’t my dog…
I needed to adjust first.”

I’ve had that moment too.
We all have.

Learning to listen isn’t about perfection — it’s about presence.
It’s about slowing down enough to notice what both of you are bringing into the moment.

And when you start seeing your dog’s behaviour through their eyes instead of through guilt…
You become the person they always believed you could be:

Steady.
Safe.
Clear.
Kind.

🌟 The truth that every owner needs to hear

You are not failing your dog.
You are learning them.
And they are learning you.

If your dog is struggling, if you feel lost or ashamed or worried you’re “getting it wrong”, please hear this:

You are not a bad owner.
You just haven’t been shown how to listen yet.

Listening can start today…
One glance.
One breath.
One non reaction to a behaviour you don't want.
One moment where you choose understanding over frustration.

Those tiny choices build the relationship your dog has been waiting for.

You’re doing better than you think.

Avril

+44505277374

thedogcalmer